My feelings

I am having a difficult time tonight.  I don't know what is going on with me.  All I know is that I have been feeling sick and depressed all day today.  I didn't go to work today due to feeling light-headed, nauseous and just not quite right.  Then, I feel the guilt of not going to work because it is unpaid and I know how much we need the money to pay for bills and such.  I hate it that I am an Diabetic, obese and have a whole host of health issues.  I hate the fact that I just turned 40.  It sucks that I feel so horrible.

I feel like a failure in all facets of my life right now.  My kids don't listen to me.  They disrespect me.  They don't do what they are supposed to do in school.  I never dreamed that I'd have misbehaved kids.  Joshua is especially naughty these days.  He likes to tease, curse, disrespect me and just not listen to me. 

My job is actually going pretty good, all things considered.  I don't make a great wage but at least I have job stability.  I have been at my job for over seventeen years.  I have really good benefits and a pension plan.  I am torn about what to do.  I am not moving up in my company but part of it is because I haven't really exerted myself professionally to move up the corporate ladder. 

I decided to go back to school to pursue Nursing.  I ended up borrowing so much money that I am now way above my head in student loan debt.  I am supposed to start the Nursing program in January.  That will require me to go to part time at my job.  I am not even sure my job will let me do it and furthermore, I don't even know if I can afford it.  I am struggling with all of these difficult decisions. 

All I want is a career that I can make a great wage and support my family and afford opportunities for my kids.  Then, I find out that the starting wage in Nursing is pretty much what I am making now.  That is very discouraging to me.  I need to make double what I am making to have a better life for me and the kids.  Plus, I can't borrow any more federal money so getting a BSN is out of the question unless I save up for it and create a college fund or use income taxes to continue with it.  So, that is why I am very discouraged right now.

My kids are growing up so fast.  It is depressing to me.  I miss them being little.  I just want to hold them, love them and keep them little forever.  I know that isn't even possible and it makes me very sad.  In less than ten years, my kids will be grown and most likely on their own.  I am not getting any younger.  It really sucks to get old. 

So, here I sit on a Sunday evening, crying and feeling depressed about everything.  I have a lot of thinking to do.  The main thing is to go to school or not.  There is a lot at stake.